And here is the satire version...
Re: Announcement to be read following Watchtower Study during week of April 2, 2012
Dear Brothers:
The Internet is a technology that the marketing organization is scared of. Consider the hits our Web sites are having. On a typical day, 400,000 people, both Witnesses but mostly apostates, visit watchtower.org, jw.org, or jw-media.org. They criticize our publications online in over 430 languages. Each day they download close to half a million audio, text, or sign-language-video files that are examined for errors. Every day a hundred apostates request Bible studies.
To change the effectiveness of our use of the Internet, the Governing Body (actually, the writing dept) has decided to consolidate the three sites into one site called jw.org. The Web site will be completely redesigned. It will be a masterpiece of doublespeak and be easy to navigate using either a computer or a mobile device. Ok, we are playing catch up with the rest of the world.
The redesigned jw.org Web site is planned for release around the beginning of June 2012. It
will paint a lovely misleading picture of our preaching work, branch offices, Kingdom Halls, and conventions.
A newsroom section will provide up-to-date reporting on events we engineer to affect God’s people worldwide. Selected features from our magazines that can be manipulated more effectively on the Web site will now be published only on jw.org. These include the following: “For Young People,” “My Bible Lessons,” and the Gilead graduation report from the public edition of The Watchtower (but not for long) and “For Family Review” and “Young People Ask” from Awake! In addition, a series of online articles available only on the Web site will provide concise, propaganda to questions about the 'Bible' and about Jehovah’s Witnesses. But not about our global investment and real estate network.
The Old Guys have been advised about the growing tendency for people to obtain reading material from the Internet while browsing porn and has carefully weighed the effect this trend is having on the printing industry and on our ability to obtain paper and equipment for printing. (after being caught polluting our land) Based on these changing conditions, effective with the issues of January 2013, Awake! and the public edition of The Watchtower will be reduced from 32 pages to 16 pages. These magazines that we distribute to the public will continue to provide a rich supply of propaganda to attract unwary people to the Corporation. And save us a bucket at the same time. Nice 'sell' don't you think?
Since each issue will contain less material, it may be possible for more translation teams to be able to translate every issue of Awake! and the public edition of The Watchtower, thus increasing the number of languages in which they are available. We say may, because we keep on laying off Bethelites. The JW only edition of The Watchtower will continue to be a 32-page magazine, as it takes that many pages to keep you under control.
The CEO and his management team feel these adjustments in marketing strategy will enable us to reach even more customers with the religions life-altering indoctrinations while continuing to provide a rich supply of ca$h for the multinational investment house.
Your Masters,
cc: Traveling sales managers
4/2/12-E
Re: Announcement to be read following the indoctrination session during week of April 2, 2012
April 2, 2012
Page 2
PS to coordinator of the body of task masters:
This matter should be kept strictly confidential among the elders until the letter is read in
your congregation. Trust No body. Please arrange for this letter to be read to the congregation following the Watchtower Study during the week of April 2, 2012. This will be the same day as the un-special talk. In most congregations this will be Sunday, April 8, 2012. The brother who delivered the special talk should be invited to read this letter to the audience, if he is available to do so. Thereafter, this letter should be posted on the information board for four weeks. This should spin an air of importance to this downsizing information.
The reading of this letter is in addition to the shorter announcement to be read by the chairman
immediately following the special talk as outlined in the letter dated February 1, 2012, to all
bodies of elders. Therefore, the chairman will read the shorter announcement following the special talk and before the Watchtower Study. Following the Watchtower Study, the brother who delivered the special talk will read this letter and thereafter introduce the concluding song.
Got it? Don't make us repeat these complex top secret announcements.